The Koolicon

Preface

We, the Youth Ministry Team of Hillside chapel, in order to establish, did agree to create a massive joke. We have designed ourselves to be deity in the manner of Greek and Roman gods and goddesses. However, we would like to make it clear that is a lot of nonsense. We believe in and love Jesus Christ. We believe that Christ died on the cross for our sin. We acknowledge that anyone can have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ just as we do and encourage you to talk to anyone of us if you do not know Christ already.

This being said, we invite you read the following and sarcastic comments. Our hope is that you will find it as ludicrous as we do.

Legacy of the Ancient Times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...(OOPS, wrong book).

Actually, it was in the times of old ,when the Koolness had not yet formed, that five Great Ones did rise up out of the emptiness. They did not know that they were deity, they only knew that they wanted to be Kool. They would come to be known as the Five Ancient Ones. Their titles were: the Three Timeless Ones , the names of which cannot be uttered by mortal man lest his lips disintegrate, the Fire God, and the Goddess KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness. There are many myths and legends surrounding these Great Ones of old, but only some have been verified. The names of the Three Timeless Ones are Chictionon, Spartakiss and the Nameless One, who unfortunately never quite got coordinated enough to name himself. These names may be written by all mortals and deity but only certain deity may utter the fearful names of the Three Timeless Ones.

Then there is Muchockey. It was he who first discovered his own deity upon receiving the Gift of the Red Silk Boxers, given to him by two of his fellow Ancient Ones. It was he as well who with his great powers did conquer the Monorail of Disney. The mighty Fire God has sustained the Gauntlet of the Body Check and the anguish of Arm Dislocation during his many games of hockey. For these things and many more, he is highly revered by all.

Finally, we come to the Goddess KoolYo. It was after the realization that she was deity that KoolYo did discover the Koolness. That strange, unexplainable Koolness which all other Ancient Ones had sought, but never found. However, in her kind, giving way, she helped the other Ancient Ones realize that they too were Kool. This accounted for the great bond between the Ancient Ones which has continued into the present age.

All other matters of interest and "forgotten" lore concerning the Ancient Ones are known by the Ancient Ones alone. For any one other than an Ancient One to know of these things is an unequaled privilege and should never be trivialized. For these are the Five Ancient Ones, the Great Ones of old who have survived many trials and yet proved themselves Kool. Let all mortals and lesser deity forever give them money and other wondrous gifts of great value (no, not really). In the words of the incomparably Kool Goddess:

"Kool, Yo"

The Dudicon

This is the record of the origin of Dudicus, the Lord of the Dude. It is the most dudical of all books written. Dudicus is the leader of the dudes. The story of his creation is as follows:

Muchockey, the Fire God, being in always awesome, upon blocking three simultaneous shots in hockey practice did one glorious day exclaim: "Dude!" And the Dude was formed. The Goddess KoolYo, the Goddess of all that is Kool and the guardian of the Koolness did proclaim the Dude to be Kool and gave him Koolness. At this moment, he was no longer merely a dude, he became Dudicus.

The Book of Action

Dudicus, Lord of the Dude, being in all ways dudical, did gain a large following of Dudes. The Dudes, being linked with the Koolness as they were, did friend themselves drawn to all large bodies of water. In those early days of the Clan of the Dude, many dudes attempted to surf. Unfortunately, they forged surfboards of metal and stone.

The Goddess KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness, did look upon these things and said "This is some stupid action!" At this moment, Actionicus came into being. The Fire God, at the request of the Goddess KoolYo, made the hair of Actionicus water repellent so that it could aid in the Dudes attempts at surfing. Hence Actionicus is known also as Water-Repellicon to all Dudes in appreciation to his dudical hair.

The Kittini Chronicle

Now the Goddess KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness, being in all ways Kool, did one day discover a strange and wondrous creature. It was not an imposing beast, but it exuded much Koolness. It's exterior was soft and fluffy. The Goddess KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness, carefully observed the creature and taunted it with an intriguing and puzzling object; catnip. Suddenly, the baffling creature did say; "Mew." which everyone knows is a high pitched form of the sound "meow".

KoolYo was enthralled with this Kool discovery. She immediately set to work learning to recreate the sound herself. Then, one glorious day, "Mew" range through out the universe. At the sounding of that first Mew, the Goddess of the Mew was formed. She later came to be known as "Some-What-Hateful-Spice", but the reasoning for this are recorded in the Book of Wars.

The Book of the Karamos

As is recorded in the Book of Wars, the Clan of Dude and the Clan of Mew began to experience much unrest. The Three Timeless Ones, the names of which may not be uttered by mortal men lest his lips disintegrate, looked upon these things with much displeasure. They determined that an entity must be created which could rid the world of these evils. Thus they create Porcelaina, Warrior Goddess of the Bowl. It was she who can dispose of the evils brought forth by man and deity. This is why men especially spend much time in Porcelaina's many shrines.

The Arborius

This is the account of the origin of Botanicus. Dudicus, Lord of the Dude, being in all ways dudacious, did grieve Porcelain, the Warrior Goddess of the bowl by one day neglecting to lower the lid on one of her shrines. In order to appease the wrath of the Warrior Goddess of the Bowl, Dudicus gave Porcelaina the gift of the Hog, and there was peace.

Then out of the Gift of the Hog, Botanicus the God of the Plants was formed. It was he who finally ended the tragedy and the stupidity of the surfing Dudes, for even with Actionicus' help, metal and stone fail to float, by supplying wood for the Dude's surfboards. The Goddess KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness, did look upon these sacrifices with much favor and granted Botanicus an extra measure of Koolness.

The Herbivon

It came to pass that Botanicus' minions did flourish upon the Earth. So prevalently did they fill the Earth that the Fire God determined to create Herbivora, Goddess of plant-eaters. Armed with hear Weed-Whacker Herbivora's mission would be to destroy Botanicus' minions, within reason. She was presented with the challenge of the Mew, to be able to say Mew, and upon completing the challenge was accepted as the second member of the Mew.

The Pestoria

Herbivora, Goddess of plant eaters did find her task of destroying Botanicus' minions most difficult. She appealed to the Fire God, her creator, and begged the Lord of the Puck to create someone to assist her in her nearly impossible task. The Fire God had pity on her and brought forth Insectica. She was ordained to be the great leader of the insect world and to harness the powers of her many followers for Herbavora's vast undertaking.

The Chronicle of the Cud

Now Herbavora did find that even with Insectica to assist her in her mission to destroy the minions of Botanicus, the task was still far too great. Due to his extra measure of Koolness ,bestowed upon him by KoolYo, Botanicus' powers just could not be matched. Herbivora pleaded once more with the Fire god, that he might look upon her favorably and create yet another helper for her daunting task, but the Ancient One refused. Herbavora then did the unthinkable, she appealed to the Three Timeless Ones, the names of which cannot be utter by mortal men lest his lips disintegrate. The Three high Gods of old did grant her request by creating Bovinacus, the God of the Cows. But to ensure that the Mew Clan did not overcome the Clan of the Dude, for the Dude had gained favor in their eyes, they placed a curse upon Bovinacus and his followers so that three of these bovines were to be sacrificed to the Three Timeless Ones themselves each day and given to the Dude as food. This also ended the Great Famine that had previously existed. This sacrifice was in agreement to the Koolness only because it provided much need sustenance to the Clan of the Dude.

The Volleigha

The Goddess KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness, being in all ways Kool, did see the increasing power of the Mew over the Dude. In her Koolness, she foresaw the Times of Conflict fast approaching. In order to delay the onset of this horrible era, she created Spikona with the secret of art of playing Volleyball, that through this activity the Dude and the Mew Clans might remain at peace as long as possible. KoolYo, Goddess of all that is Kool and Guardian of the Koolness, determined to present Spikona to the Clan of the Dude for consideration as a new member of the Clan. Due to the fact that no female had enter the Clan before, KoolYo decided to make the presentation herself. Upon being introduced to Spikona, Dudicus proclaimed her to be a "righteous fox" and it was very Kool.

The Sketchalon

It was During the Great War, as is recorded in the Book of Wars, that many of Botanicus' larger minion, called "trees", did become broken and splintered by Herbivora, Insectica, Bovinacus and there followers. One day, Dudicus took a piece of one of these minions, called a "stick", and in the sandy beaches of the dude territory, did write "Dudes Rule :^)" in order to encourage the Dude forces. Upon seeing this strange symbol( :^) ) Some-What-Hateful-Spice did become very jealous of the Dude's artistic ability and appealed to the First of the Three Timeless Ones, the names of which cannot be utter by mortal men lest his lips disintegrate, for his artistic ability had long been praised. She begged him for a helper, a new Goddess that would put the Dude's symbol to shame. The First Timeless one was so flattered by this request that he granted it and formed Artista, Goddess of the Draw, the artwork of whom continues to be highly celebrated.

The Book of Jollification

This is the glorious account of the creation of the Goddess of I. As is recorded in the Book of Wars, the Great War raged on for several . . . hours. Finally, Actionicus realized how idiotic this fighting was and he came to Dudicus and said, using the illustrious words that brought him into being, "Dudicus, this is some stupid action." Dudicus agreed. He approached Some-What-Hateful-Spice Goddess of the Mew and said, "Hey, you chics wanna come to a party?" Thankfully the Goddess of the Mew accepted the invitation, and there was much rejoicing. . . yea. Now at the saying of the word "party" the Goddess KoolYo, being most pleased, did create SKA: the Goddess of I. It was she who did liven up the party of Reconciliation, as it came to be called, which KoolYo and One of the Timeless Ones did host. And it was all proclaimed to be Kool.